Allow me to (re)introduce myself.
My name is Mary Laznovsky and I have a beautiful life.
I look around and I can see such beauty. Such LOVE.
Yes, I see it…But I am not always able to really feel it. Joy and pain are interlocked for me.
I have so many blessing in my life. I’m married to a certified hunk-nerd and my dream man. My Johnny is passionate, intuitive, and possesses a rare and beautiful emotional depth. We made a smart, funny, healthy little girl with each other and named her Gloria Shenandoah, our beautiful daughter of the stars. I have amazing, understanding, and supportive friends who continually bring back my faith in humanity and my sense of family is stronger than it has felt ever before in my life.
We built a business from practically nothing except naive optimism and the fact that Johns mom let us live in her house for almost 3 years at $300 a month rent. Our offering to the world is Wolf Moon, a health and wellness center made out of two warehouses on Long Island and a lot of love. Within those walls I have my favorite job as an acupuncturist.
I like to tell those who ask that I became an acupuncturist because there is no professional license for sorcery. Because thats what I think I do for a living: magic. All day at work I get to share my sizable knowledge and personal beliefs on diet, lifestyle, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I share my love of Chinese Medicine and the technology of the Yogic Philosophy, both of which I think are infinitely amazing and interesting!
So what is the barrier between what I can see and how I feel? Well…
My life hasn’t always been happy and stable. My earliest memories are filled with fear, trauma, and confusion.
From the time I was about three or four my grandmother was dying of pancreatic cancer in my living room. My mother was her primary caretaker and my whole house had been transformed into a hospice. The first time I remember thinking about death, about dying, I was in Kindergarten. I remember closing my five year old eyes and picturing being that way for eternity. Just black. I was terrified.
She finally died when I was six and I wet my pants almost every day of the first grade. (Interesting side note: in Chinese medicine fear is the emotion of the kidneys and chronic fear can cause them to weaken, I believe this to be the cause of my early incontinence).
The rest of my early years are clouded in confusion. I remember the mother of my childhood as mostly unpredictable. Some days she was very depressed and withdrawn. Other times, small accidents would send her into a rage. She would administer harsh and disproportionate punishments.
AND she also taught me how to spell my name on a chalk board with patience and kindness and left notes in my lunch bag. There were cold winter mornings she would iron all of my clothes before I put them on so they would be warm against my skin.
The father of my childhood disappeared under cans and cans of Budweiser that he would hide in my dollhouse, ashamed and afraid of my mother finding them. I couldn’t rely on him to pick me up from school or sports.
AND our outings together are some of my happiest memories, even though I almost always wound up injured in some way before we made it home. We would climb fences to make it into little fairy gardens we weren’t supposed to be in or do icy donuts in empty parking lots. He couldn’t spell common words but he knew all the answers to Jeopardy.
In school, I didn’t have much in the way of support and stability. I began my scholastic career in classes for kids with high IQs. But in the end I was barely able to graduate high school with an uncertain future at Nassau Community College.
I love the parents of my childhood but they were not whole people. My love for them was always attached to some sort of sadness and disappointment.
My father died at age 54 from dementia and complications of pneumonia. My mother and I grow closer every day. I forgive them and love both of them deeply.
My life has been built upon love and suffering that coexisted in ways that I am still unwinding today. In ways I think many of us are still unwinding.As an adult I am left to take responsibility for my own depression, anger, and emotional instability. I’ve found it so difficult to break free from my exhausting co-dependent tendencies. I continually attempt to escape my victim mentality and self sabotage.
Sometimes my anxiety feels so strong that its like I’m full body static electricity, I cant stay still and my chest flutters with insecurity. Sometimes, when I’m triggered, anger consumes me. Flames burn through my whole heart and venom pours out of my mouth, hurting the ones I love most and leaving me with overwhelming guilt. Some days waves of sadness overtake me and my veins feel filled with warm heavy bath water. Sometimes I feel like everyone would be better off without me.
So, am I the girl who smiles brightly at Wolf Moon and has so much wisdom to passionately share? The girl who really sees people, connects with them and supports them on their own healing journeys. Am I the wife who loves her husband and the mom who cherishes her daughter?
Or am I the girl who presses her forehead on kitchen table unable to possibly hold it up for one more second. The girl who cries in the shower and feels like a sham at her job because she can’t use her skills or knowledge to save herself, let alone help other people. Am I the wife who leans too heavily on her husband, who nags and holds him to unrealistic expectations? Am I the mother who loses her temper too quickly? Am I the girl who gives easily but also resentfully?
Turns out I am all of these things.
I am wise and I am a fool. I am a teacher and I am a student. I am loving and I am wrathful. I am patient and I am angry. I am generous and I am withholding. I am beautiful and I am ugly. I am trusting and I am wary.
I have an unwavering, relentless belief in God and I am also so FULL of fear.
It is this fear that keeps me stuck and small and stagnant in a mundane world. This fear keeps me from loving anything as fully as I know I am capable of.
I used to think that attaining my personal and professional goals would bring me satisfaction and peace. However, in irony, it has only proven to be the complete opposite. With each gift that God has given me, my whole being fills with more fear. I believe, deeply, that I will eventually lose what I love because I somehow do not deserve it. Like my life is one big, beautiful mistake and someone in heaven will notice one day and say “this isn’t right” and take it all away.
Lately I have been falling back into my default operating system, one that has guided me my whole life – the belief that I was put on this earth to serve and to suffer. And I can assure you that thus far I have done those two things with excellence.
I WANT MORE.
I want to do more than see my life. I want to plunge into it. I want to smell, taste, touch, feel all the joy and the love that this world has to offer. I want to take back all of the pieces of my soul that I have lost along the journey of my life and I want to feel whole again.
You see, I have a vision of the woman I am to become. I know how she looks, I know how she communicates, I know how she moves and I know how she loves. As I remove the layers of darkness within me, the more light shines on the picture of this woman. The clearer she becomes to me.
I believe that now is my time to embody that vision. She is my true essence and I want to connect to her. I believe now is the time to trust in my own worth and value and stop sabotaging myself. I believe now in the time to face my fears. I believe now is the time to accept my anxiety, depression, and sadness and through this acceptance reclaim my destiny. I believe now is my time to die and be reborn.
This is my warrior path.
And this is my invitation for you to join me. Let’s grow together.